It All Comes Around

It has been the coolest thing since we moved to Rockwall! Matt plays indoor soccer at the RISE here and so every week, he drops by the house on Sundays and Tuesdays before his games. The boy eats us out of house and home - carbs only. In fact, he is dreadfully distressed that his parents are low-carb-consumers in our old age. His greatest hope is that I will have made some cornbread or some biscuits that are left over. Anyway....that's not what is cool. It was just an observation. I had forgotten how much boys eat.

SO....here's the thing. Tonight Matt was playing and he didn't drop by the house. So I got to his game and dawdled a little in the parking lot because that is the only way my sister and I ever get to talk on the phone - while we are both driving places. She always calls me on Saturday night on her way home from working at Baylor (she is a nursing student) but she has forgotten for the last six months - every Saturday - that we go to Saturday night church. I think all her brain cells are used up on school. But I digress. I called her on the way to Matt's game and so it made me a little late for his game. Well, not really late. I just like to get there early to shoot the bull with the guys. I missed that this Sunday and so I scurried in and went up the stairs to the galley seat and the guys were warming up. I sat still for just a few minutes and then I did it! I stood up and yelled, "Hey Matt! I'm here."

Now thankfully, he and his friends are used to me. He just looked up, rolled his eyes and half-waved. You know that - "is anybody looking?" type wave. It was OK with me though because really I just wanted him to know I was there watching. AND THAT WAS WHEN IT DAWNED ON ME - all those years I sat out in bone-chilling cold watching him play on every kind of field imaginable and he would yell, "Hey Mom!" and wave his little arms at me until I waved back. He just wanted me to know he was out there. To make sure his mom was paying attention.

Isn't that just so sweet? How life goes full circle. Really cracks me up.

It bears making the analogy: we are also on a playing field - the playing field of life. We're in the game - sometimes on the sidelines, sometimes in the heat of the game, sometimes we're practicing hard, sometimes not so hard - but nonetheless earth is the training field for heaven. And each of us - really want to know that God is in the bleachers for us, with us, cheering us on. And the wonder of it is - He is. Our biggest supporter. Our number one fan. Our cheerleader. Our never-failing Father. He doesn't dawdle on the phone. He is never distracted by the other fans. His eye is on you/on me. He never misses our successes and He is never put out by our failures.

Because I have the distinct privilege of being a soccer mom again, I can assure you that it is a delight to watch my child play. And I can assure you that I am intensely biased. My own experience allows me to sense our Father's delight in our lives. I believe He is just as biased TOWARD you and me. And just knowing the joy I find in Matt's game, I smile to think of God's joy in me and you.

Tonight I got caught up in conversation with some of the kids in the galley and missed Matt's score. I do that occasionally. So I just consider it a time delay when I yell, "Way to go, Matt!" Again, he rolls his eyes and later asks, "You weren't watching, were you?" ha He has his mom pegged.

God's eye is ever on you. He knows when a sparrow falls to the ground - how much more value are you to Him? You - His creation. You - the apple of His eye. You - the one He sacrificed His son in order to bring you home. There is no greater love than this. Beloved, He never misses your scores!

It all goes around. From a little boy on the soccer field waving to his mom on the sidelines to the grownup man with his mom waving to him from the sidelines. Life is a circle and life is good.

Starting Behind - Or Am I?

Well here it is already the 12th of January and I have not blogged since about this time in December. My first thought was - "I'm already starting this year behind." Or so you might think IF you happen to check in periodically to even see if I'm posting anything. But as I pondered my apparent lateness and the what-ness of my post, I realized I have not been behind at all. I have been living.

It made me smile to realize that. I have spent a lot of time with my family this holiday season. And it was a lovely time. Not rushed. Not fussy. Good time. The time where you do what you want to do and just enjoy one another. I also spent a lot of time in the Word. Finishing up last year's Bible reading, journaling and Life Group and then beginning again in 2011.

I had a sweet friend come and spend a few days with me while Billy was out of town and I went out of town with him and spent time with other family members in the state of Florida. Lovely. Quiet. Peaceful. Moments. Lived.

So I might have neglected to blog for a while but I have not neglected to live. And really - isn't that more important?

I have spent a lot of time in the valley of the shadows. It was mandatory time. You can't skip grieving and truthfully, I am the better for it.

And even that was living. I know it was because it hurt so badly. You can't live without feeling.

So I just want to say to you - live. Not just a warm body that's breathing. Live with eyes wide open. See God. Be aware. Savor the moments. This is really all we have.

And what I have discovered is that I am happy. Happy with the simple joys of life. Happy to know that the hard things are only temporary. Happy. Right now there is a remnant of snow on the ground and it's really too cold to do anything outside so I just have to sit and read and thank God for all the goodness that is mine. Today.

The Bittersweet Joy that is Christmas

Because I like to consider myself a decorating diva, there is nothing I like better than transforming my house at Christmas. Please notice the beautiful tree which I am not allowed to decorate. It's true. The diva herself is not up to Billy's standards when it comes to precisely ornamenting the tree. He has a strategy and a plan that has somehow escaped me. But after 37 years of marriage and 38 Christmases I have placed it in his capable hands and I move on to the - AHEM - more important things.

We really have our decorating down to a science after all these years. I leave him to his precision and he leaves me to my decorating. We each do our own thing and stop periodically to admire each other's work. :) It works for us.

It's these life lessons in my marriage that have helped me relinquish a lot of my 'control' issues to the God who has proven Himself to be the best decorator of my heart.

Because our last five years have been marked by a lot of people relocating to heaven, we have made the choice to make Christmas all about family. We do what we can to make our family know how loved they are and that we do not for one minute take them for granted. The presents and the food take a backseat to loving and making time for one another.
"What about Jesus?" you might ask. Good question. While it took our family's relocation from earth to heaven to cause us to focus more determinedly on the family that was left here, it was Jesus' focus on the family He was creating that caused Him to relocate from heaven to earth.
Christmas is bittersweet for us because of the absence of these two. I wonder how bittersweet it was for God to send His Son to a world that would mistreat Him. How bittersweet for Jesus to leave the majesty of heaven for a manger in a cattle stall. To shackle His power in the frame of humanity. To endure the rumors of His birth parents. To be misunderstood and His invitation rejected.

And yet because of the Christmas gift of Jesus, my babies don't have to deal with mistreatments or misunderstandings. With limitations or lack. Because of the Christ child and His willingness to leave the glory of heaven, my loved ones dwell there in absolute perfection, beauty and unfathomable love. So while it is bittersweet that they - and so many others I love - are not here, there is also a yearning within me. A yearning for the perfection that they are now experiencing. For the ability to see Christ face to face. For the understanding of why it's so hard here and what it is accomplishing in the heavenlies.

And so it is bittersweet - because I'm here and they're not. Just like the first Christmas. God was in heaven and Jesus was not. It's a reminder - things are just not right yet. But they will be. One day. He is coming back. Not as a baby in a manger. Not as a poor carpenter. But as the King of Kings. Every knee will bow. Every tongue will confess.

It's quite the juxtaposition. He came so we could go. He gave it all up that we might have it all. He was rejected so we could be accepted. He died so we could live. Bittersweet and joy. A mixture. I think it's fitting and right. I think God understands.

So Merry Christmas my sweet friends. Many of you had a very difficult 2010. I pray that 2011 finds you closer to God, stronger in your faith and filled with the peace that only He can give you. It's bittersweet here, but joy is coming!

GIVE THANKS

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
And now let the weak say they are strong
Let the poor say they are rich
Because of what the Father's done for us
Give Thanks

It's that time of year...already! I can't believe the speed of time now that I'm older. I can't believe that in the last five years I've said good-bye....to Justin, Mother, Daddy, Grandaddy and Noah. And I can't believe that this heart of mine is writing to you today about thankfulness. Because....I really am. Thankful.

I am thankful that God gave me a baby son that I loved with my whole being. And he loved his mom right back! I am thankful that I had parents who weren't perfect but who loved me and gave me a childhood that was happy. For a stepdad who came into our lives when our Daddy wigged out and loved us and accepted us as his. I am thankful that for a little while we had a grandson to love and envision a future with and to know because of Christ - that future still holds. Just not on this earth.

I am thankful that in Christ no loss is permanent. I am thankful that loss has taught me things that life never could. To love abundantly. To live fully. To embrace...my loved ones and my life. To not look back. To say I'm sorry quickly. To know that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes. To look to Jesus. For everything.

He is my hope. He is my comfort. He is my joy. He is my provider.

I hope you are thankful. Whatever you are facing. Whatever lies in your path today. It does not need to define you. You are NOT defined by the 'what's' in your life. You are defined by the 'Who.'

He says you are beautiful.
He says you are the apple of His eye.
He says He will never leave you or forsake you.
He says nothing will separate you from His love.
He says He will bring good from all things affecting you.
He says you are worth dying for.

Thankfulness - like most everything in life - is a choice. It's an easy choice when life is going the way you want it to. Not so easy when it's not. But it is the entrance to God's presence. "Enter His gates with thanksgiving" the psalmist tells us. In other words - you want a closer presence with Him - give thanks.

So in the still of this pre-thanksgiving morning my soul is at rest. Don't get me wrong - the world is still swirling around me. But my soul isn't. My soul is resting in the One I trust to bring me through the craziness. I'm fixing to put my feet on the ground and all that may change...but for now...I choose to give thanks.

I pray you do too!

WHAT A WEEK!

I just had one of those weeks that...well, that probably most of you have EVERY week. But truly it was different in that it is very seldom that you have a week where almost every day you are being: graded, judged, evaluated or checked-off.

This week I appeared before our elders on Monday night to be allowed to teach a Life Group at our church. Tuesday I had to do a fasting blood test to determine what needs to be done for my health. Wednesday I taught my ladies in Bible study and then immediately drove to Greenville to be checked-off on my sonography skills and then on Thursday drove to Waco to speak at a ladies' event. Something I had not done in quite a long time.

It was the week I had been preparing for and dreading all at the same time!! It's one thing to be busy - it's another to push yourself to live up to the expectations of others.

But here's what I learned about busy, busy weeks. The kind like I had push you to God! I would prefer a busy week in which I knew all I had to do was rely on my skills, my organizational ability and my intelligence to get me through. Those kind of weeks are manageable for me. And often, I plod through with a nod to God in my morning devotions and a get-out-there and get-um mindset. I usually end up getting the job done but leaving a trail of casualties behind me. Casualties of my tongue or my lack of courtesy or simply a lack of noticing anyone else was around.

But when you know you are being evaluated or that you are being pushed beyond your own abilities - you are forced to run to God and plead your case. At least I was! I had no clue what the elders would ask me. So I prayed my brains out...for God to go before me and for me to listen and speak AFTER thinking. Turned out, I didn't have to speak at all. The information sheet I supplied them from my training class answered every question. I discovered I worried a lot about nothing and that God indeed had gone before me.

Still don't know about the bloodwork. Awaiting that response.

Wednesday morning's Bible study brought such a sweet spirit and genuine delight to my spirit that I attacked the drive to Greenville only to come to a dead stop on I-30. I used that opportunity to pray: that I would get there on time, that the babies would cooperate, that the moms would have stamina, that the checker-off-er would be patient and kind, that my brain would function clearly!! Got to the clinic and baby #1 was curled up in a ball! I had prayed against that!! Told the instructor I had prayed against it. Baby #2 was about as uncooperative in where he put his head but I just prayed and scanned, prayed and scanned. It wasn't pretty, but I passed.

Thursday night's group was beautiful, kind and I have no clue if I had any impact on them or not. I just pray that God's word penetrated because I know the vessel He used is weak!

All that to say - weeks like this drive us to God. There is no way when the needs are so great and the outcome so important that we should rely on our own gifts and talents. And yet - truthfully - we should never rely on anything other than His strength and power. Our own gifts and talents are pitiful in comparison. It shouldn't take tests or evaluations to lean on Him. It should become our everyday pattern of living. Because in actuality - every day is a test. This life on earth is a training ground for the life we will one day experience.

I learned a valuable lesson in this hard week and I hope to remember it in the weeks to come. I NEED Him everyday. I want whatever comes from me to be an outflow of what He has put into me. Only then will the world come to know Him. My life hidden in Christ Jesus!

FALL INTO FALL

Well believe it or not - it is OCTOBER and fall has arrived. I don't know how it got here so fast. It's been six weeks since I last posted - I hope you noticed! :) Believe it or not, my life has been SO busy. Who would have thought that in the fall of my life I would be this busy? I sure didn't. I couldn't imagine how I would fill my days after those three little boys left home. They WERE my schedule. But as God would have it - every season has its purpose for being.

Thankfully I have always loved fall. It is my favorite time of the year. I love the colors. The leaves changing and the fruit and vegetables that grow this time of year are vibrant and brilliant in their color. I love that! I love the crispness in the air after the oppressive heat of the summer. It seems like the last days of summer drain everything of life and then the cool air comes with that promise of relief. I just love that! I also LOVE the smell of baking in the fall. Baked sweet potatoes. Pumpkin pies and pumpkin muffins. Apple struesel. Baked breads of all kinds. And SOUPS. I love the smell of a soup simmering on the stove all day long. The anticipation of hot cornbread and that soup!!! It also happens to be that many people I love were born in the fall! My Justin, my mom, my firstborn, my niece, nephew, mother-in-law and sister-in-law. Ahhh, fall is lovely.

So is the fall of life. I love that the busy-ness in my life these days is pretty much of my own making. I pray that I am smarter now about what I say "yes" and "no" to. That my schedule is an indicator of my life - God-centered and God-honoring.

There is a purpose for every season under the heavens. Fall is a good time to slow down. To be purposeful. To be grateful. To breathe deep and to love greatly. I'm probably pretty far from the winter of my life (though only God knows that for sure) so I intend to thoroughly enjoy the fall of my life. I have a feeling it will go by quickly.

Wishing you a purposeful fall!

Agape Love

After a roller coaster week of numbing fear and surging hope our little Noah James (aka Baby K) was born on Friday the 13th at 3:18 pm. He was little but he was a fighter! Born at 26 weeks but the size of a 23-24 weeker, he came out pink, kicking and crying. We were elated and once we saw him - scared to death. He was 15 ounces and 10 inches long. And we were in love! He had his daddy's nose and hair and his momma's fighting spirit! We hoped beyond hope that he would be a miracle to the glory of God.

Going back a few days. His mom's blood pressure was dangerously high. She was being medicated with some serious drugs and was swollen to the point that IV's were difficult and blood draws (which were every 4-6 hours) were almost impossible. She had to undergo fetal tracings 3 times a day and sonograms daily. Each test (8-10 daily) resulted in hope and then fear. On Thursday night at midnight she was moved to the labor and delivery area to do a continuous monitor of Noah because the doctors didn't like what they saw on the shorter strip. She was on oxygen. She had her magnesium restarted. She was exhausted and she was terrified. Many times she looked at me and said, "I can't do this again. I can't do this again." Brandon was beside himself with fear and was totally on track with NEVER putting themselves through this pain again.

Then the doctors said Noah had to come out. They said he was better off out than in and to not get our hopes too high. We prayed. We asked you to pray. We still hoped - not in him or his gestation. Not in Baylor or neonatologists. We hoped in the God who gave us Noah to begin with. And then that little miracle came out - shocking everyone with his fighting spirit. We dard to hope.

And then Saturday morning came. He was struggling and there was nothing left to do for him. So the precious nurses in the NICU removed his tubes, swaddled him in blankets and let his mom and dad hold him and take him to their room to say their good-byes. We were all devastated. Billy and I drove to the hospital beside ourselves that we had to watch our son walk through the loss of a child. As we sat in their room that sad, sad morning Kylie's doctor came in to express her condolences. Kylie then asked, "Is there any reason we can't get pregnant again?"

Billy and I were shocked. After she was discharged from the hospital and came to our house to start her recovery, I asked her what had changed her mind. She looked at me and with tears welling in her eyes, she said, "Once I saw him, I loved him and it was all worth it."

That is agape love. A love that does not count the cost. A love that gives unselfishly. At that moment all I could think of was Jesus and the horror of the cross. When it was over, He must have looked at us and said much the same thing. He loves us. He calls us worthy of the pain, the fear and the disappointment.

It took a horrendous week and a grieving young woman who was a mom for 18 short hours to remind me that love is more powerful than any thing the enemy can throw at us. Love doesn't quit. Love doesn't fear. Love goes for it.

And we will...go for it. Life. Love. Trust. Faith. We haven't lost anything. Noah is just fine and before he gets passed all the way around the loving family that went before him, we'll be there too. Because we have a Savior who agaped us enough to make a way home for us.

So thank you for praying for Noah and for us. We are more than OK. We are stronger. More faith-filled. More in love with the One who loved us first. More confident that this is not our home. More confident that nothing is more important than love.

We love you.