Bipolar Texas Weather

I saw this posted on facebook by someone this week and I laughed out loud - our Texas weather HAS truly been bipolar! And I had made a promise to myself that I would post at least once a month. Since April is almost gone, I figured I better get on here.

Truthfully. Spring is difficult for me. Still. I don't like admitting that. Who would have thought that six years later, I would still be bipolar myself in my grief? It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I'm somehow failing God or my calling or even Justin. And yet.....it is my reality.

I swing from faith to sorrow so easily in the spring. I KNOW - and yet my reality is this place called earth where my heart has a gaping hole that only heaven will fill. Spring attests to the reality that following the bleakness of winter there is life and it is abundant and beautiful and crisp and clean. I LOVE that. And yet....it also reminds me of a doorbell one Monday morning and a life forever changed.

The thunderstorms threaten. They are loud. They are dramatic. They leave a mess. And then....there is beauty. For they have watered the earth. They have shaken the weak and dead limbs to prune the landscape. And I see that God is doing that in me.

I have learned that it is out of the darkness and out of the dead that true beauty comes. The seed in the dark soil. The baby from the womb. The sun from the night sky. And a living Savior from a cemetery tomb.

So I apologize for being quiet for a while. The one thing I don't want to do is leave a swath of destruction in my wake like our Texas storms sometimes do! So I go into my quiet place where the one Who bandages my heart, calms my anxious spirit and stills my soul meets with me and reminds me that all is well. That if He knows each sparrow that falls - how much more does He know and minister to me.

It is the morning after the resurrection and I am choosing to live like it is. The joy of Easter extending to the days after.....and after....and after. Until our faith is made sight.

Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice for us. Thank you for defeating sin and death. Thank you for the promise that is ours because of YOU! Thank you that IN YOU all things are possible.

Asking For Too Little

I was taking a soak in my big bathtub one morning this past week and was just thinking of all kinds of things and talking to the Lord about them. He and I do that a lot. Most of the time I do most of the talking.

We had just come off a business trip in Orlando with a lot of Billy's constituents. I went on a shopping trip with some of the wives and it was a little (ok, a lot) unsettling to try on summer clothes after the winter hibernation. SO......as I was lying there soaking, I began telling the Lord what a great plan it would be for Him to take away my taste for food so that I could be slim. Almost immediately I heard His still, small voice say, "How about I take away your bent for sin so that you can be holy?"

GULP

Not exactly what I had on my mind that morning. As usual I was thinking a lot smaller than He does. His thoughts are definitely higher than my thoughts. I am interested in the here and now. I am interested in what makes me look better and feel better about myself. He is too - just in a LOT bigger way.

Holiness is beautiful.

Holiness is healthy.

Holiness benefits us.

Holiness is eternal.

I need to lose some weight. I need to do it though not for cuter clothes but for my long-term health. The method for losing it will be a discipline in paying attention to what I eat and practicing recording the 'what' and 'how much' food and exercise I daily engage in.

I need to gain holiness. I need to do that for long-term/eternal health. Gaining holiness requires much the same discipline as losing weight. I need to pay attention to what I put in my mind and heart and then begin practicing holy habits.

Both are difficult because in these days. We are accustomed to the quick fix. We drive by and pick up without thought to what we are actually doing. We want it now and we want it supersized or road rage. We have lost the patience required for long term change. Nothing worth having is easy or fast.

So I'm asking for more these days. More of Him. Less of me. If that comes along with a little weight loss - all the better.

"You shall be holy; for I the Lord your God am holy."

WINTER

I just love winter. I justify my feelings because there is such pristine beauty in the snow flakes and how they cover the ground making everything beautiful - white. The picture it paints of purity and holiness. And then again, sometimes I think it's just because I'm so lazy! I love playing in the snow, curling up with a blanket by the fire with soups or stews simmering on the stove and a cup of hot coffee in my hand. I love how the city is forced to slow down because in Texas NO ONE can drive in this stuff. We aren't equipped. Isn't it funny how we complain about our schedules and then we complain more loudly when we are forced to be still? Winter reminds us that the sap runs down and the plants grow dormant. Nature knows there is a time to be still. To allow God to do His work in the secret.

Some of us aren't made to be lazy. My precious husband is a man's man. He loves to do. He has made my life better in a million ways because he is such a provider and do-er. Here he is shoveling off the walkway to our house (which no one used, by the way - because NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE was out in the weather). He felt good about it. I did too because I spent a lot of time going outside to look at the snow and take pictures and it helped me to notice that there were tire tracks across the walkway. I guess some poor soul mistook our front yard for the road. Which is why we don't need to be out and about.
Aren't these trees beautiful? They are standing strong and sturdy allowing the bitter cold to rest on them for a while until the warmth of the sun melts the cold away and new life will begin to stir the sap and before we know it there will be new growth. That's what I am praying for as spring begins to peek at us from around the corner. I want new life. Fresh growth. A mystery arising from my life that is a testimony of roots dug deep.
I am so glad that I took the time to stop on those cold days and record them in picture. To me they are precious reminders that God is on the throne. He is in control. He can stop a city. He can still a heart. He can bring life from death.
Spring is coming. I have some sprucing up to do before it gets here. Some dead things to rake away. Some fertilizer to apply. Some pruning of straggly and unruly ends. The Master Gardener is doing the same thing in me. I intend to cooperate and watch to see the beauty spring will produce.....out of the beauty of the winter.

It All Comes Around

It has been the coolest thing since we moved to Rockwall! Matt plays indoor soccer at the RISE here and so every week, he drops by the house on Sundays and Tuesdays before his games. The boy eats us out of house and home - carbs only. In fact, he is dreadfully distressed that his parents are low-carb-consumers in our old age. His greatest hope is that I will have made some cornbread or some biscuits that are left over. Anyway....that's not what is cool. It was just an observation. I had forgotten how much boys eat.

SO....here's the thing. Tonight Matt was playing and he didn't drop by the house. So I got to his game and dawdled a little in the parking lot because that is the only way my sister and I ever get to talk on the phone - while we are both driving places. She always calls me on Saturday night on her way home from working at Baylor (she is a nursing student) but she has forgotten for the last six months - every Saturday - that we go to Saturday night church. I think all her brain cells are used up on school. But I digress. I called her on the way to Matt's game and so it made me a little late for his game. Well, not really late. I just like to get there early to shoot the bull with the guys. I missed that this Sunday and so I scurried in and went up the stairs to the galley seat and the guys were warming up. I sat still for just a few minutes and then I did it! I stood up and yelled, "Hey Matt! I'm here."

Now thankfully, he and his friends are used to me. He just looked up, rolled his eyes and half-waved. You know that - "is anybody looking?" type wave. It was OK with me though because really I just wanted him to know I was there watching. AND THAT WAS WHEN IT DAWNED ON ME - all those years I sat out in bone-chilling cold watching him play on every kind of field imaginable and he would yell, "Hey Mom!" and wave his little arms at me until I waved back. He just wanted me to know he was out there. To make sure his mom was paying attention.

Isn't that just so sweet? How life goes full circle. Really cracks me up.

It bears making the analogy: we are also on a playing field - the playing field of life. We're in the game - sometimes on the sidelines, sometimes in the heat of the game, sometimes we're practicing hard, sometimes not so hard - but nonetheless earth is the training field for heaven. And each of us - really want to know that God is in the bleachers for us, with us, cheering us on. And the wonder of it is - He is. Our biggest supporter. Our number one fan. Our cheerleader. Our never-failing Father. He doesn't dawdle on the phone. He is never distracted by the other fans. His eye is on you/on me. He never misses our successes and He is never put out by our failures.

Because I have the distinct privilege of being a soccer mom again, I can assure you that it is a delight to watch my child play. And I can assure you that I am intensely biased. My own experience allows me to sense our Father's delight in our lives. I believe He is just as biased TOWARD you and me. And just knowing the joy I find in Matt's game, I smile to think of God's joy in me and you.

Tonight I got caught up in conversation with some of the kids in the galley and missed Matt's score. I do that occasionally. So I just consider it a time delay when I yell, "Way to go, Matt!" Again, he rolls his eyes and later asks, "You weren't watching, were you?" ha He has his mom pegged.

God's eye is ever on you. He knows when a sparrow falls to the ground - how much more value are you to Him? You - His creation. You - the apple of His eye. You - the one He sacrificed His son in order to bring you home. There is no greater love than this. Beloved, He never misses your scores!

It all goes around. From a little boy on the soccer field waving to his mom on the sidelines to the grownup man with his mom waving to him from the sidelines. Life is a circle and life is good.

Starting Behind - Or Am I?

Well here it is already the 12th of January and I have not blogged since about this time in December. My first thought was - "I'm already starting this year behind." Or so you might think IF you happen to check in periodically to even see if I'm posting anything. But as I pondered my apparent lateness and the what-ness of my post, I realized I have not been behind at all. I have been living.

It made me smile to realize that. I have spent a lot of time with my family this holiday season. And it was a lovely time. Not rushed. Not fussy. Good time. The time where you do what you want to do and just enjoy one another. I also spent a lot of time in the Word. Finishing up last year's Bible reading, journaling and Life Group and then beginning again in 2011.

I had a sweet friend come and spend a few days with me while Billy was out of town and I went out of town with him and spent time with other family members in the state of Florida. Lovely. Quiet. Peaceful. Moments. Lived.

So I might have neglected to blog for a while but I have not neglected to live. And really - isn't that more important?

I have spent a lot of time in the valley of the shadows. It was mandatory time. You can't skip grieving and truthfully, I am the better for it.

And even that was living. I know it was because it hurt so badly. You can't live without feeling.

So I just want to say to you - live. Not just a warm body that's breathing. Live with eyes wide open. See God. Be aware. Savor the moments. This is really all we have.

And what I have discovered is that I am happy. Happy with the simple joys of life. Happy to know that the hard things are only temporary. Happy. Right now there is a remnant of snow on the ground and it's really too cold to do anything outside so I just have to sit and read and thank God for all the goodness that is mine. Today.

The Bittersweet Joy that is Christmas

Because I like to consider myself a decorating diva, there is nothing I like better than transforming my house at Christmas. Please notice the beautiful tree which I am not allowed to decorate. It's true. The diva herself is not up to Billy's standards when it comes to precisely ornamenting the tree. He has a strategy and a plan that has somehow escaped me. But after 37 years of marriage and 38 Christmases I have placed it in his capable hands and I move on to the - AHEM - more important things.

We really have our decorating down to a science after all these years. I leave him to his precision and he leaves me to my decorating. We each do our own thing and stop periodically to admire each other's work. :) It works for us.

It's these life lessons in my marriage that have helped me relinquish a lot of my 'control' issues to the God who has proven Himself to be the best decorator of my heart.

Because our last five years have been marked by a lot of people relocating to heaven, we have made the choice to make Christmas all about family. We do what we can to make our family know how loved they are and that we do not for one minute take them for granted. The presents and the food take a backseat to loving and making time for one another.
"What about Jesus?" you might ask. Good question. While it took our family's relocation from earth to heaven to cause us to focus more determinedly on the family that was left here, it was Jesus' focus on the family He was creating that caused Him to relocate from heaven to earth.
Christmas is bittersweet for us because of the absence of these two. I wonder how bittersweet it was for God to send His Son to a world that would mistreat Him. How bittersweet for Jesus to leave the majesty of heaven for a manger in a cattle stall. To shackle His power in the frame of humanity. To endure the rumors of His birth parents. To be misunderstood and His invitation rejected.

And yet because of the Christmas gift of Jesus, my babies don't have to deal with mistreatments or misunderstandings. With limitations or lack. Because of the Christ child and His willingness to leave the glory of heaven, my loved ones dwell there in absolute perfection, beauty and unfathomable love. So while it is bittersweet that they - and so many others I love - are not here, there is also a yearning within me. A yearning for the perfection that they are now experiencing. For the ability to see Christ face to face. For the understanding of why it's so hard here and what it is accomplishing in the heavenlies.

And so it is bittersweet - because I'm here and they're not. Just like the first Christmas. God was in heaven and Jesus was not. It's a reminder - things are just not right yet. But they will be. One day. He is coming back. Not as a baby in a manger. Not as a poor carpenter. But as the King of Kings. Every knee will bow. Every tongue will confess.

It's quite the juxtaposition. He came so we could go. He gave it all up that we might have it all. He was rejected so we could be accepted. He died so we could live. Bittersweet and joy. A mixture. I think it's fitting and right. I think God understands.

So Merry Christmas my sweet friends. Many of you had a very difficult 2010. I pray that 2011 finds you closer to God, stronger in your faith and filled with the peace that only He can give you. It's bittersweet here, but joy is coming!

GIVE THANKS

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One
Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
And now let the weak say they are strong
Let the poor say they are rich
Because of what the Father's done for us
Give Thanks

It's that time of year...already! I can't believe the speed of time now that I'm older. I can't believe that in the last five years I've said good-bye....to Justin, Mother, Daddy, Grandaddy and Noah. And I can't believe that this heart of mine is writing to you today about thankfulness. Because....I really am. Thankful.

I am thankful that God gave me a baby son that I loved with my whole being. And he loved his mom right back! I am thankful that I had parents who weren't perfect but who loved me and gave me a childhood that was happy. For a stepdad who came into our lives when our Daddy wigged out and loved us and accepted us as his. I am thankful that for a little while we had a grandson to love and envision a future with and to know because of Christ - that future still holds. Just not on this earth.

I am thankful that in Christ no loss is permanent. I am thankful that loss has taught me things that life never could. To love abundantly. To live fully. To embrace...my loved ones and my life. To not look back. To say I'm sorry quickly. To know that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes. To look to Jesus. For everything.

He is my hope. He is my comfort. He is my joy. He is my provider.

I hope you are thankful. Whatever you are facing. Whatever lies in your path today. It does not need to define you. You are NOT defined by the 'what's' in your life. You are defined by the 'Who.'

He says you are beautiful.
He says you are the apple of His eye.
He says He will never leave you or forsake you.
He says nothing will separate you from His love.
He says He will bring good from all things affecting you.
He says you are worth dying for.

Thankfulness - like most everything in life - is a choice. It's an easy choice when life is going the way you want it to. Not so easy when it's not. But it is the entrance to God's presence. "Enter His gates with thanksgiving" the psalmist tells us. In other words - you want a closer presence with Him - give thanks.

So in the still of this pre-thanksgiving morning my soul is at rest. Don't get me wrong - the world is still swirling around me. But my soul isn't. My soul is resting in the One I trust to bring me through the craziness. I'm fixing to put my feet on the ground and all that may change...but for now...I choose to give thanks.

I pray you do too!